The Brently Story

I know, it's been months since I updated, but for some reason I just felt like it tonight. Because I'm angsting hard. However, since I haven't updated in forever and for all I know, there might be a few people who still have me on their f-lists, I think an explanation is in order...

A little over a month ago I met a guy at Barnes & Noble who fascinated me. I had been sitting on the windowsill next to the manga and comic books when he came over looking for a book and I happened to glance up, to find that he was looking at me too. He introduced himself as Brently, sat down next to me, and explained that his Japanese was better than his English, so he might have trouble remembering my name. Naturally, I was very much intrigued. Something about this guy made me feel very comfortable, and after a while, we left the bookstore with a couple of friends of his (I was with Brandon, who came with us) and just wandered the mall aimlessly. After Brandon went home, we eventually split away from his friends and continued wandering, talking about all kinds of things. I discovered that Brently is the kind of guy I always fantasized about, but never thought I would find: the kind who's insanely sweet, reads poetry, takes girls he just met into candle shops, and randomly tells you that you have a pretty smile. And I did I mention that he's a half-Japanese street racer with a tongue piercing?

For two or three days afterwards, I couldn't get him off my mind. I would pick up my cell phone, stare at his name in my contacts, then close it again. I kept doing it until Aeris and Fran finally convinced me to call him, and I finally managed to confess that I was thoroughly amazed by him. By the time I hung up, we were a couple.

Knowing I couldn't possibly live with myself if I cheated on Jordan, I managed to break up with him, my boyfriend of (then) almost a year. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life, and once I'd done it, I went to my Advisory, sat down at my desk, and cried. I absolutely hated the knowledge that I had hurt him, even though he'd been there for me in all my darkest moments. I never doubted that he loved me, but I was so taken with Brently that I actually told myself things would be better this way.

That afternoon after school, I was on the phone with Brently in the car. I'd told my parents about him, but none of us actually knew how old he was. For some reason or another, this came up over the course of conversation, and I wound up a hostage in my mother's car as she drove around the neighborhood glaring at nothing in particular while I tried to coax an answer out of Brently. What he told me changed everything.

He was 24. I'm 16.

This was a wake-up call. Brently and I both knew my parents would never approve, and I also knew I'd made a huge mistake. The entire time my parents were explaining the various statutory rape laws, the only thought going through my mind was, "I need Jordan." I don't know how I did it, but I worked up the courage, and I called him, already sobbing. I didn't ask him to take me back because I knew I had no right to do so. All I asked was for him to hear me out as I explained my reasons, awful as they may have been, for leaving him. At first, he was furious, and understandably so. Fortunately, however, he also possesses some amazing qualities, because he gave me a second chance. I didn't deserve it, but he gave it to me.

A few weeks passed with no word from Brently. Jordan and I enjoyed our first anniversary at the Renaissance Festival, he turned 16, Hot Topic hired me, and things were beginning to look up. Then I went to work last week.

For reasons unexplained, I was sent home an hour before my shift ended. Considering it was Black Friday and I had been extremely shy about approaching customers (not to mention the handful of tags that were found on the floor in my zone), I took it to mean that things weren't going so well after all. I had arranged ahead of time for my dad to pick me up and Barnes & Noble after work, so I went down to the Apple Store to use it as an internet cafe. I only stayed long enough to check my email and a few things on Facebook, but when I left for the bookstore, I passed Brently. Already worried about my job security, as well as a fellow TIPster who may or may not have cancer, I was in no condition to run into him. I went to the windowsill where we met and sat down without a book, staring at nothing in particular. It wasn't long before he approached with a group of friends, saying "I thought I'd find you here." He asked his friends to leave us alone, squatted in front of me, and starting apologizing.

I couldn't hold it together anymore. I took off my hat and glasses, set them down next to me, and started crying. Brently obviously didn't know how to react, and soon gave up trying to get me to talk. He just held me for a minute, then went to get me a tissue. By the time he came back I had calmed down some, and we talked for a while. I don't even remember much of what was said except for "If I were younger, I'd do anything to be with you." Before I knew it, he was kissing me. And... even though I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, I'd never been kissed quite like that before. Maybe it's just because I've only kissed guys my own age, but he was the first to be that gentle. It was soft and warm, the way I used to imagine kissing should be, but of course we always want what we can't have. He said, "At least you'll always have that from me," gave me his number (which I'd thrown out a long time ago), and we parted ways.

I'm still carrying a tremendous amount of guilt about the whole thing. Hell, I'm crying as I type this. We haven't talked since that day, but I haven't deleted his number yet either. Honestly, though, the only reason is because I won't be able to get past this until I bring it to some kind of definitive conclusion. I'm notoriously bad at addressing difficult topics, though. I won't be able to do this alone. Jordan's coming over tomorrow to help me out with Pre-Cal, so I think it'll have to be done then. The fresh angst is due to me being left alone with my thoughts. I've been sitting here, wide awake even though I have a college interview in the morning, trying to come up with a way to do it. I've got nothing.