Haha, I'm so lazy with my LJ these days. Maybe since I'm now out of school I can start regularly updating again. Anywho, let's start with cancer, since that's always a fun subject.

A few days ago I went to my family doctor for what I thought was just a checkup, but then I had to take off my pants and I realized it was something else. See, I have this mole on my upper right thigh that's been there as long as I can remember. It's never been particularly interesting, just an occasional conversation piece at pool parties, until I was looking at it a while ago and I noticed that it didn't seem to be held on very well. Fearing I might inadvertently knock it off or something, I asked my mom to set up an appointment for the doctor to give it a look. Well she did, she just neglected to tell me, so I got to sit there in the exam room wearing a sheet and looking ridiculous.

The doctor looked at it and told me it probably wasn't cancer (WTF?), but that she'd been wrong before (again, WTF?) I decided to get it removed, so this will take place on the 26th, carefully planned around the release of [i]The Dark Knight[/i]. ^_^;;

Actually, the smallish road trip I'm taking with my parents is planned around it too. xD We're leaving at the end of July to visit three colleges (U. of Chicago, Cornell College, and Earlham College) and take a few stops along the way, like at a car show in Iowa... or was it Ohio? Whatever.

Well, went down to the mall today to see if I could get my old job back for the summer. They've got a new store manager now, but I gave him my name and number and he said he'd check with HR about the re-hire status. He seemed like he wanted to hire me, though.

I know, it's been months since I updated, but for some reason I just felt like it tonight. Because I'm angsting hard. However, since I haven't updated in forever and for all I know, there might be a few people who still have me on their f-lists, I think an explanation is in order...

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I'm still carrying a tremendous amount of guilt about the whole thing. Hell, I'm crying as I type this. We haven't talked since that day, but I haven't deleted his number yet either. Honestly, though, the only reason is because I won't be able to get past this until I bring it to some kind of definitive conclusion. I'm notoriously bad at addressing difficult topics, though. I won't be able to do this alone. Jordan's coming over tomorrow to help me out with Pre-Cal, so I think it'll have to be done then. The fresh angst is due to me being left alone with my thoughts. I've been sitting here, wide awake even though I have a college interview in the morning, trying to come up with a way to do it. I've got nothing.

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Assignment: Respond critically to Ryder's "The Race Track (Death Rides A Pale Horse)".

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Assignment: Respond to Munch's painting either creatively or critically.

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Assignment: Describe/define a haunted house.

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Assignment: Is it possible to believe in ghosts without believing in the soul?

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Assignment: Write an "elevator pitch" for an updated movie version of A Christmas Carol.

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Assignment: Why do people believe in ghosts?

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So I've been home for what, a couple of weeks? And this is the first time I've updated? Amazing. Anywho, I wanted to share the stuff that I wrote in class (Phantom Fiction) with the old f-list because for once I feel like I actually did some good work. It'll be mostly journal entries, but I've also got a critical essay and a short story to post, so I'll put everything in separate posts. A lot of my journal entries just kind of cut off because I ran out of time, so please keep that in mind. I'll also include some of my instructor's notes because to put it simply, Gerry is AMAZING.

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Length: Journal entry, 63 words
Assignment: If you were a person living in the Victorian era, would you want to visit the 21st century?

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Woot, I'm on break in a computer cluster on campus at TIP. My class is absolutely amazing, I have fanboys, and Bassett won Quadfest again. For the most part, things are going great.

Except for Jeff.

I met Jeff on Wear A Skirt Wednesday when he was dressed as a Playboy bunny. I mean, I wear cat ears every day, I had to pose for a picture with him. We got to talking and he seemed pretty cool, so we started to hang out fairly often.

Then the dance happened.

Aeris and I were doing our usual thing, dancing by ourselves on the edge of crowd, when Jeff came over. The three of us danced together for a while until "Hey There Delilah" came on. I don't even like that song. Anyway, we were doing this whole awkward triangle thing where we all kind of stand around and make fun of the song. Then Jeff grabs me and before I know it, we're slow dancing. Really close together. Aeris wandered off to the side of the quad awkwardly, and I, having nothing else to look at, stared into Jeff's eyes.

Big mistake.

Next thing I know, he's kissing me. Very hairily, might I add. The song ends, we part, and Aeris comes back. We all start dancing again, but after a while, I can't take it anymore and I ask Aeris if we can go inside for a bit. We do and I slump down on a couch and cry. After a little bit I'm able to tell her what's wrong, but soon after, Ed comes in with Jeff. Great. They sit down next to us and Ed tries to comfort me while Jeff sits awkwardly. After he goes away, Aeris helps me to explain the problem, and in the meantime a few other people come by and try to help as well (I love TIPsters). I didn't even do the Yatta, I was so freaked out.

So I spend the night angsting and seriously considering leaving TIP. For the first time ever. The next morning I go crazy waiting for cell phone hours to start so I can call Jordan and tell him what happened. He takes it extremely well and that half of the problem is solved.

But I still don't know what to tell Jeff.

So... not long ago, I started on a new ADD medication called Daytrana that comes in patch form and is supposed to have less side effects than Adderall. As many of you know, I was thrilled to be off Adderall once school got out. I was sleeping normally and eating everything in sight and it felt wonderful. I've been keeping it up as best I can, but lately I'm getting less and less sleep, and the past couple of days I've stared at my dinner and thought, "I need to eat this food... I don't really want to, but I need to..." I force myself to eat it, but it's hard. I mean, the antidepressant they started me on the other day had some sort of reaction yesterday with something in my stomach and made me feel nausious to the point of barely touching my breakfast. I ate a moderate lunch that day, but you'd think that by dinnertime I would have been starving... Not so. Maybe I'm having some kind of relapse? Maybe my stomach is finally catching up to me? I don't know. I just hope I put on some weight this summer because being this bony is uncomfortable.

Jordan's leaving for Mexico on Sunday and the day he gets back is the day I leave for TIP. If bad planning were an Olympic event, we'd win the gold, especially since he has family staying until Sunday and tomorrow is the 8-month mark for us. Not as milestoney as 6 months, but it does make this my longest relationship to date. I'm not gonna lie, I'm proud of us.

10 days until TIP.

It's annoying having to use Netscape, but Safari was being ridiculously slow, and in my impatience I managed to phuck up OkCupid by refreshing at the wrong time. :( Oh well.
( Quizzing is Fun... )

( Rambly  )

So... Things are going well at work. Eddie, my new supervisor, was very impressed by how quickly I did inventory on the first floor, including doing data entry for him. When my mom emailed him the Excel worksheet I did it on, he included an offering of a mango juice smoothie in his reply. On the hand, I think I committed a triple-sin when I went to the Exxon-Mobile building for lunch and watched Bush give a speech on Fox News on their giant TV. I need to wash the sin away. T_T

Impending Doom is coming at 2 o'clock on Saturday, but it's been going surprisingly well so far, so maybe My Stupid and I will survive after all. ^_^

Also, trying to get a group together for Projekt Revolution, starting with Alicia. I'm incredibly excited.

18 days until TIP

Turns out My Stupid broke his computer, quite literally. It's a laptop, and it fell off his lap, breaking the screen. You may all disregard the last part of my previous post.




But he could still call more often. ;-P

In other news, I was accused of trying to sneak out last night. Apparently when my dad got up this morning the door was unlocked and his car alarm was going off. On the way home from work my mom asked about it and recieved a series of nonchalant "nope"s in response. Also, one "not as far as I know" when she asked if anyone had been trying to come see me. Yeah right.

Also, finished transcribing the phone messages from the CLIENT FROM HELL (CFH), but I don't think anyone outside of the office really cares. I'm just really glad it's done.

In MORE other news, I reeeeeally want to go to Projekt Revolution. I'm probably the only one who was sold when they saw Madina Lake was coming, but I looove that band. Thankfully, I get two paychecks between now and then, so I should be able to pay for tickets. I just hope someone I know is going. Probably.

Fuck. This. Shit.

This summer sucks. I hate my parents for it. They're the reason I'm constantly working, never allowed to relax for a second. I always have to be doing something productive, and they fail to see how that exhausts me. I can't be a workaholic like my mom, and maybe if she'd pay a little attention sometime she'd see that. My dad is awesome, as always, but there's not much he can do. At least he does stuff with me, though. Took me to dinner, the bookstore, and movie today, as a matter of fact. He rewards my efforts. What do I get from Mom? "Oh good, now you can do something else for me." Everything is about how I can make her life easier. Because apparently mine isn't important.

Not to mention, this is completely counterproductive to my main goal for this summer: learn to be social. Chaining me to the house and the office kind of makes it hard to have friends, especially when you only had two to begin with. Not to mention, one of them is just as socially awkward as you and has six other people living in her house, which tends to make things difficult.

And I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of frustrated with My Stupid. I've barely heard from him the past few weeks, when I've needed a friend so badly. I've always been able to count on him in the past to be there for me when I needed him, so where he is he now? He's rarely online anymore and never picks up the damn phone. I miss those hours-long conversations we used to have when he would call me randomly and we'd just talk about nothing and everything at the same time. I mean, yes, I could call him technically, but my parents are doing a good job of keeping me busy, though they're not to the point of banning me from accepting phone calls.

And yes, love, if you're reading this, is a HUGE HINT. In fact, I have Toes in my lap right now. I've come to think of him as a little part of you that I can cuddle whenever I can't have the real thing... but it's not quite the same. I miss you. A lot. Hell, we bought my dad a new Risk game for Father's Day, if you can get out, come play with us. We'd be happy to have you, and I promise, no one will hurt you.

Just talk to me, okay?

I got more mail from Simon's Rock today. You know, that college in Massachusettes designed for kids about 16 or 17 years old. It's just a stack of brochure things, but the very first one, written by a senior, made me think some more. Two little sentences at the end of the first paragraph really jumped out at me: "You're visible. You matter."

Jesus Christ... Is there really a college out there that thinks they can fill these psychological gaps that I've had all my life? Can they really make me feel like I matter to someone who's not either dating me or related to me (not that their opinions don't count, mind you)? I don't know. But it would be interesting to find out.








That's not to say I'm ready to leave home just yet. The idea of going to college still makes me shake a little, and although I'm mostly isolated and lonely here, I do have a few people who are extremely important to me and whom I don't feel like I can leave just yet. I'll let this roll around in my brain until it comes time for next year's applications.

TAKE MY JOB, PLEASE!! Seriously, who needs one? I mean sure, you won't get paid even though you do more work than most of the hired employees, and yes you'll spend hours highlighting things because your boss did something stupid, but at least you'll have a job! Maybe your parents will stop complaining about you being lazy. And I can find something more interesting that pays.

P.S. DIE IN A FIRE, CLIENT FROM HELL!!!

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